Charming Timur – So Far So Good
Charming Timur – So Far So Good – Album Review
The moment comes for all rockstars at some point…that time where they examine their career, realize they’re running out of steam & that it’s time to officially sell-out and make themselves a greatest hits compilation. Who can blame Santeri Lohi of Charming Timur for wanting to suck a little more money out of the masses by rehashing all the old material and making it ‘new’ again inside of a brand-new album cover? I certainly don’t…I don’t blame him at all. But I did slip into a bizarre rage as I pondered the idea of the ‘greatest hits’ album. Like for real – what about the FANS Lohi? Sure, sure…if you haven’t scored copies of the past music of Charming Timur, obviously this is a great way to get yourself caught up over the eighteen grueling experiences of sonic fury and experimental metal on So Far So Good – but what about us DIE HARDS man? We’re just supposed to sit around and wait LONGER for new stuff? WTF?
So rewarding to be a fan. We sit here and get recycled goodies while he sits over there and gets rich off of all of us. How on earth is that fair?
Well you know what I decided? It ISN’T fair – and I’ve HAD it with Santeri’s rockstar attitude and obvious slovenly laziness. He just gets to phone it in, but I have to sit here and type out a bunch of thoughts on songs I’ve already heard and been listening to for years? Yeah that’s not happening. I mean, if HE’s taking this trip off, then so am I – like I always say to you all, we’re in this together. So if he’s calling in sick and just going to fulfill his contractual obligations with what’s basically a glorified Spotify playlist, then I’m taking the day off too and I’m not writing another goddamn word. You can read my thoughts on all these songs on So Far So Good from past reviews I’ve already written – I’m going to grab a beer.
***Realizing I had no beer in the fridge, I was forced to make the trek to the local bigger beer fridge to purloin some beverages, hopefully without having to resort to my own prostitution to do so. I checked the cushions of my couch and between what was in my bank account and the fifty-eight cents I found there, I was up to about $3.17. That might buy me ONE beer, maybe. I spent the next three hours lamenting the idea of only consuming one beer and the hell I’d be living in afterwards, wanting another. Then I spent the next twelve hours creating a gofundme campaign so I could get more beer. But then it like, all seemed to be taking way too long for the man to give me my money…like, at least half an hour had passed since I posted the campaign online and I still wasn’t rich. Totally bogus. The only other thing I could think of was that maybe I could kill two birds with one stone…maybe I could get back at Santeri for not REALLY giving us any new songs to listen to AND get my beer money in the process. I put the new Charming Timur CD in my trusty Sony discman and taped it shut around the edges so it would play properly, like I always do. But this time, I was a man on a mission…I was going to take that CD and get the ultimate revenge – I’d charge fifty-cents a listen and make my own money off HIS hard work! And in the BEST twist to the story ever – I came up with the idea, that not only would I willingly con a whole bunch of unwitting saps into paying for music, thus increasing the ratio of my beer consumption – but I’d ALSO quickly ask everyone I ran into for their genuine thoughts on what they heard through the tiny tin headphones I’d have for them to listen on – I wouldn’t even have to write the review! I could just use their quotes & continue to drink my day away instead…take some of that real ME time, you dig?
And so that’s exactly what I did. Here are the exact quotes from what the people had to say about the songs on So Far So Good.***
‘Well it certainly sounds like a bunch of noise to me. I dunno mate, maybe you need a new headset or something? I’m not completely sure that the music is coming through properly. Is it being played backwards, is that it? It kind of reminds me of like, construction sounds…like you know, machines and stuff digging holes in the concrete and whatnot. Bizarre mate…truly bizarre.’ – Alfonzo DiMeddici
‘I’m just on my way to the bank. No I don’t have time to stop and listen to a song. What do you like, have a podcast or something? Even my cousin’s dog has a podcast, I’m not all that impressed and I’ve really got places to be. Let go of my arm sir. I’ll drag you with me down the street to the bank if I have to. Are you really not going to let go of me? Okay FINE, I’ll listen to your shitty song. What? I have to PAY you to listen as well? Fifty cents? I’ve only got forty on me, take it or leave it. Alright, we have a deal – but the moment I’m done listening you have to leave me alone forever…you smell weird. You know what? Whatever this music is actually isn’t the worst thing I’ve ever heard.’ – Tammy C.
“Dangerous To Self And Others”
‘In my humble estimation, it’s the amazing grinding of guitar notes all thrashing together and the sheer quantity of sound coming at you at all times that leaves you feeling like you just got a full-on pearl necklace shot on you from the speakers. Does that make any sense? Okay good. Jizzum is what I mean. It’s like audio jizzum…but like, not as much cleanup involved when it’s over. At least I think.’ – Harry Moon.
‘It’s probably something that my hamster would enjoy more than I would.’ – Jane K.
‘Oooooh. Sounds like a really sweet love song there. Do these headphones work?’ – Grandma Mary
‘If I had to describe that song in just one word? Hmmm. Good question. I’ll say… No.’ – Steven R.
‘It sounds like a complete recycling of old ideas…like some rockstar just put a hit-song on another record and expects people to buy it like how every musician and band eventually does. And yeah man, I dunno, that seems kinda half-assed to me when it comes right down to it. I don’t understand…why did you want me to read those sentences out loud? Shouldn’t I actually listen to the song though? No? It’s no big deal, you’ll just use the quote that I just read instead of my actual opinion? What if I really like it? I won’t? Okay, then that’s fine, I should get going anyhow.’ – Michael Runton Esq.
‘It sounds exactly like the uncle you never want coming by the house to visit while you’re alone.’ – Sam Z.
‘Well if I was judging from the title alone I’d say this has gotta be the new anthem for Harvey Weinstein am I right? For real though…what band is this? Charming Timur? Never heard of them. Is it all like this? It is? Can I have my fifty cents back?’ – Tony Marinelli
‘Absolutely remarkable. The best decision this band could have ever made was to keep the songs under three-minutes long like this. Because like, when you listen to it, you’re like, why? So keeping it short was probably a really good idea…that way you can just get on with life quickly after it’s done.’ – Julia Thorton
“Close”
‘If I had to pick my desert island top five songs of all-time…I’d choose ‘Waking Up Beside You’ by Stabbing Westward, ‘Beetles’ by Aphex Twin, ‘The National Anthem’ of whatever country the island belongs to, I’m not picky and I love anthems, ‘Hey Jude’ by The Beatles…and…hmmm…probably ‘Don’t Worry Be Happy’ by Bobby McFerrin. Whatever this is I’m listening to right now should get an island of its own to its own damn self…ain’t no need for this music to bother nobody.’ – Carl Townes III
‘I’m just waiting for the bus. No I don’t have fifty cents to give you otherwise I wouldn’t have money for the bus. You say I can listen for free anyway? Awww that’s nice of you. OMG wtf IS this?’ – Emily S.
‘Oh yeah. Whoever wrote this loves to party hard. Do you have a smoke I can bum off you?’ – Unknown
‘It kind of sounds like, super-pretentious and weird. Like if your school librarian had a hidden underground punk band and only played for a crowd of actual cats kind of weird. That’s weird music. I said that already right?’ – Kylie Vinter
‘So what, this album is like, full of radio hits? Yeah I guess this could be on the radio. Kind of needs a remix though or a club beat added to it don’t you think? I’d say it has potential…I don’t really know much about music, but this was kind of okay actually. Maybe if a group like Blink 182 or Savage Garden got a hold of that song they could make it work…I’m not so sure it works now but I really don’t think that it doesn’t work either – I guess I’m kind of on the fence. I think it’s a good song?’ – Martin Finkleneiss
‘Straight-up homie this song makes me wanna fuck. Who knows why that is, I don’t know why that is! I suppose if I’m telling the truth, I kinda felt like fucking from the moment I got up this morning…this song just put me over the edge I guess. But for real though – that’s like musical Viagra ain’t it? That’s some hard shit right there is what that is.’ – Homer Quinlan
‘If I had a dime for every time I heard a new band starting up, I tell you, I’d be so RICH right now. This sounds like it was recorded by a teenage punk that still lives in his mom’s basement, but because it has its own separate entrance, he tells all his friends he “moved out” – you understand what I’m saying? It’s rubbish man…I don’t know anyone that could handle listening to this all day long. I’m pretty sure they use this music in interrogations to get confessions out of criminals don’t they? I mean…that would still be a good thing. For the investigation obviously, not for the criminal.’ – Old Man Burnsey
‘Sure I’ll have a listen to the song. I’m in a bit of a hurry though. You wouldn’t happen to have a change of clothes I could borrow would you?’ – #00056093
‘I can’t believe I ate the whole thing’ – Elsa Cantor
‘All you have to do is put a kitten in the video and it’ll be a viral hit, people will watch or listen to anything nowadays. Listening to this song is like watching a train-wreck happen…so yeah, people will love it. I bet there’s already like a million re-tweets about this whole record on Twitter or whatever that stupid thing is called. I don’t even know how you do that stuff…I think it’s like a text message. Anyhow, that’s what the kids are doing, so right on for them I guess. Maybe they’ll like this song too, I don’t know. I’m old now and all I like is Nickelback and Tool because they’re so similar you know? I suppose this would be alright for the kids out there, but if I’m being honest, I really don’t care about kids at all or give one shit about whatever they’d be listening to. I just like the hits that were on the radio back when I was a youngster, long before I got super old and my taste in music started to suck.’ – Harold
‘I felt like you can hear the real struggle in the protagonist’s life and the way the storyline is narrated. Like you can truly feel the emotion and how the weight of society has clearly oppressed the will of the common man, and how this song is like, that anthem to rage against it all. Like that poem with the albatross. No – wait, that’s a whole other poem. It’s like that poem about not going gently into that good night or you might run into Phil Collins murdering somebody out by the lake. Can’t remember who wrote that one. But it’s like that song…or poem I mean. You know what I mean. What were we talking about again? I can’t hear you, I’m listening to the song you put on. Also, I’m stoned.’ – Phat Jason Long
‘Is this the sound of someone actually dying during a recording session?’ – Bob MacIntyre
‘I think it’s completely wrong for you to ask me to participate in this twice.’ – Julia Thorton
‘Can I go now?’ – Sandy L.
‘You should use that disc as a Frisbee. Wait – is that tape holding your discman together?’ – Neil D.
‘So let me get this straight, you’re raising funds to buy yourself beer? Get the fuck outta here man!’ – Unknown
‘Totally worth the price of admission. Best money I’ve ever spent.’ – Nikki Miscardy
‘I kind of felt like the singing was pretty good. I don’t know if it’s going to crack the top-40 any time soon, but I still felt like you could hear real passion in the singing and like the music wasn’t going to completely kill you instantly…more like…I dunno…a really, really slow agonizing death instead. But at least you’d be alive for a while, so there’s that.’ – Johnson Grand
“The Best”
‘That sounds a lot like what I’d expect electro-shock therapy would be like to experience. What’s it called? It’s called “The Best?” Well. I don’t know about that. I like Aerosmith and they’ve had a lot of big juicy hits and this doesn’t really sound anything like that. I guess there’s a bit of melody in there, but I still don’t think I could sing along with it. I’d definitely recognize it if I heard it again, but I don’t know if that’s exactly a good thing, or not. If it’s a song called “The Best” then why does he always seem so miserable?’ – Helen B.
‘I actually don’t mind this stuff. It’s like thick and rich and full of smooth texture – such flavor in this! It’s pretty much all I want right now. You want a piece? It’s just a Mars chocolate bar, only in mini-size. Yeah, no problem at all man. So what’s this contraption you got all taped-up here? A music player you say? Two quarters to have a listen? Why pay that amount when I can put just one of them into a payphone and do the talking myself? I guess I’m curious enough to try it. You say you’re raising money for what? A BEER fund? Now THAT’s a campaign I can get behind lad, pass those headphones over here for a minute and let’s see if I can’t help you out. What IS this? This is music you said? HUH? You’ll have to speak up I’ve got the headphones on now yeah? I asked, IS THIS MUSIC? It sounds like a combination of machinery and misery to me my friend. I’m gonna give you back the headphones but you can keep the fifty cents – if I was listening to music like that I’d want to make sure I had a six-pack handy at all times. Good luck out there kid.’ – Ulysses Smark Jr.
So there you have it folks! Straight from the people direct, giving you countless reasons as to why you want to go out and buy, buy, buy this incredible album full of big shiny tunes, called So Far So Good by Charming Timur! I’m sure they have nothing but the most amazing things to say about this stunning album stocked full of the GREATEST HITS of all-time, those timeless classics we know & love – heck, some of you out there have made babies to the music of Charming Timur, so don’t pretend you don’t know what I’m talking about. That smooth sound of a fiery plane-crash meeting like, the tortured screams of our own impending doom – who can resist such beautiful music? – I know I can’t and I’m sure that’ll be the case for you too as you get addicted to the sweet commercial hooks that line this record from the beginning to end with all the number-one chart topping tunes from Charming Timur! Don’t just take my word for it, make sure to read those testimonials above from all the people out there and MASSIVE thanks to all of them for essentially writing this entire review for me so I could sit here and take the day off. I managed to raise a whopping $10.71 and scored myself a sweet Hot Wheels car that I found on the ground while out there on my trip listening to So Far So Good with the fine people of the world and forgotten degenerates I found on my way to the beer store. All things considered, that was actually about ten bucks more than I estimated I’d be able to make from doing this and now I’m reasonably certain I’m going to just run this scam every single day. I think it’s become clear that the moral of the story is that being a musician always pays off…or at least it pays someone, something, eventually. The end.
Click the song titles to check out my previous thoughts on the music of Charming Timur and find music from the official page at Bandcamp here: https://charmingtimur.bandcamp.com/music
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